I always have tons of things on my mind. SO much it is hard for me to talk to others. It is a wall I have built up and can not take down in a social function or encounter.
I am always thinking of things that need to be accomplished or things my kids need help with. Things I have forgot to do or put on the back burner. THings that keep me from being me. The person I am energized to be.
I get so overwhelmed that I sometimes choose, that's right choose not to do them. I am pretty much lazy at this point and I let everything just go. It feels so great to do this. A release of bad energy knowing I have to do all those things. It just leaves my body and I feel energized knowing I do not have to think about it again....well at least for 1 more day or....two. Sometimes I put everything on hold and spend all week focussing on 1 thing I want to accomplish.
SOmetimes it takes me that long to figure out how to accomplish it. THis is when the house falls apart, dish's are in the sink, laundry is not done or cleaned up, clutter is everyhwere,meals barely get made, Pj's stay on a lot, naps are taken more frequently, loss of sleep on my end etc etc etc.
I start things and don't finish most of them. I hate this feature that is built into my brain. I need a function key or something I can press to help this part of my brain move along. I also need a function key for parts of my body that give out when I need them to keep moving. My knees give out my back really gives out a lot and I sometimes am so exhausted I can not think at all...there goes my brain. Gone. But not really because then I am thinking about how to help my body and get back on track.
I have so much Energy inside my brain but I feel I am limited to the things i would like to do because of some physical problems. Mainly the ones listed above. So I just keep planning and the storage keeps building up of things to do. Thyroid problems don't help either with the whole energy thing.
I love weekends where David takes the kids to the in-laws or the in-laws take them over night or even 2 nights and I have full control of house and what needs to be done.
Some days are worse than others. I feel so annoyed when I have to pick up the roll of toilet paper that has rolled onto the floor and out the bathroom door for 50th time that day. TO find it all wrapped up in a pile of dirty and sometimes peed on clothes. The kids still are learning where dirty clothes need to go. So we have piles that show up all over the house. I think it is cute at the same time though and try not to get to mad. Or when I come down the stairs and find a pile of stuffed animals piled up as a cushion for whoever slides down the stairs. Or how many times I have to put clean water in the cat dish and vacuum the food the kids kicked all over the floor.
We have clutter. I hate clutter. I am a neat freak, I like things clean and organized, and my family is NOT this.
I love seeing little hand prints on walls and windows and the realizing that I get to clean it up.
I love seeing toothbrush mess all over the sink, knowing once again that I get to clean it. Because kids just make bigger messes when they do it. But it shows me that they brush their teeth.
I get annoyed with repetitive work and exhausted thinking about it. If the kids are not around and I have energy I will clean it all.
Laundry and dish's are my biggest struggle. How do people keep up? I feel like I do 10 loads a day when I only do 2-3. It takes all day just to do 1 load sometimes and can feel like I did 10 if I was tired or the kids bugged me while I was folding the clothes.
The energized intention is there. I want it done. It needs to be done. But do I really want to do it?
So fatigued from repetitive work yet I feel energized to want it done. Lists and list of things to do, that I want done or fixed or made.
Goals that are set because I was energized enough to think them up and think them through. But so fatigued and they don't get done.
Good intentions that get all messed up.
Things that don't get done because I am tired.
No time for everything on my plate along with the desserts I want to add. Then when I wash it down with a drink (all the unexpected stuff life throws at you) It becomes complicated.
I wish I had MORE friends. I have one true friend that I have had for 21 yrs, she is my best friend. She gets me and I love that she gets me and I would be so lost without her. I am lucky that she has not moved away from me. I cry thinking of the day that she might.
I wish I had more of a social life outside of home.
I wish my family would just listen and do their own chores.
I wish I was...I dream of Ginni or could wrinkle up my nose and bewitch myself out of situations.
Especially the unexpected ones.
I hope I am not the only one that has this dilemma?
After our first child, the word "Clean" went out the window. Now all that is clean around here are bodies and sometimes laundry. I hope the kids make up for all this when they are older. They do some things to help and I love it when they do. They get all excited and energized at least for 1 hour out of a day to help. This is usually 1 day out of the month that this happens. Eli just had his day/night. He told me he would stay up and help so I did not have to bend down and clean. He said the baby was in the way and he needed to help. So I did what any parent would do. He stayed up and cleaned for 2 hours. It was awesome!
I am tired of just typing but energized that someday my kids will read this in the blog books I print up and realize the amount of effort it takes to be a parent. What we sacrifice to be there for them.
Sometimes I am selfish. I will go hide in the bathroom to talk to that one friend that has tried to call me all week. Just to have that one on one chat and friendship.
Or tell the kids I am taking a nap so I can lock my door and do whatever I want in my room.
Or I will ditch David to have mommy me time with my mom.
I even sneak food/snacks/treats to our room and never let the kids know we had something sweet after they went to bed.
I will get my toes done or run special errands along with my normal shopping for grocery errands, just so I can fit in me time. David doesn't really know that I can shop at Costco for 1/2 hour and get everything I need for the week. But I really take an hour so I can enjoy the trip and do other errands. :O) Or longer. I even make a point of having lunch with myself at Costco or close by.
Sad, maybe but these are things that are important to me and keep me wanting to do things for others. Keeping in tune with who I am is somewhat important to me. When I say others I mean my family. I always try to work in friends and social activities around my family. Family is always first.
Anyway. If I can fit the me time in I take it. I work it in. But if there is a family thing that needs attention I drop what I am doing.
I love to get out.
I love to go to restaurants and stay in hotels
I love chocolate
I love to go for drives and not know where I will end up.
I love to explore.
I love to be creative.
I love to be myself and hate it when others don't get me and grateful after our first 5 yrs of marriage my husband finally understands me. This took a lot of work. He knew me when we got married but there is always underlining issues. With anyone.
I love my kids.
I love my family.
I am happy church is at 9am. My favorite time. David's worst. But he still manages.
I am happy we are going to have a big family and still in shock that I have 3 kids already.
In shock that I will be 30 in 2 weeks or less.
Amazed at how many people....different people there are in this world
I love diversity
The good the bad and the evil.
I love that I can ramble on and on and on. Especially when it is really late, I am really tired and I have had to much sugar! I become very funny and very hyper.
I love being able to let go and be myself and sing in the car to music I love. Some reason I clam up around other people. You might say I am one of those weird people that let go when no one is looking and sing into my broom while dashing across the kitchen floor. Or dance in front of the mirror for pure enjoyment of having fun and being crazy. I can totally do this stuff around my kids because they do not judge. LOL.
I even get weird looks from David If I am doing something out of the norm. Which is really his normal. :O)
I love David even when He is a pain in the butt. I hate the word butt.
I am glad we have dad living with us and thankful to have another chance to know him better than I knew him growing up. He is a great person! (He doesn't even know it)
I love that when I have had enough or said to much I can shut right up
I hate surprises.
I hate when someone tells me what to do when they do not even know me.
I hate when I know I am not suppose to do something and I do it anyway. Even if it satisfied my life for a few seconds. (junk food fits into this category along with indulging way to much in chocolate) Or trying to be nice to people when they really annoy me or they are not friends with me OR I get taken the wrong way. BUGS THE @^%#%%$ out of me.. Even though I would be nice to them anyway because that is what Christ would do. I dunno if that is even fair to that person that I am being nice to them even when I don't want to be.
I love to watch movies and cuddle in a fluffy blanket.
I love sparkling cider all flavors and Steamed vanilla milk with whip cream on top.
The energy is always flowing but I am not always going and i hate that. Especially when I want to accomplish a lot!
No comments:
Post a Comment